After Ian experienced barriers to accessing the right support as a male victim of domestic abuse, he wanted to make sure this changed for other men. In his own words, he shares the challenges he’s encountered and the work he’s been doing to shine a spotlight on the unique experiences of male victims.
Imagine, that your today is the same as yesterday and your tomorrow will be identical to today. It will begin when you are told to “wake up!” and end when it is allowed if at all as you may be starved of sleep. The in-between is simply survival.
Just fourteen months of abuse almost destroyed more than three decades of my lifestyle and career choices. I migrated from being a picture of health, a homeowner, a successful and financially comfortable businessman to being permanently scarred, registered disabled, contemplating suicide, homeless, a benefit claimant and on the verge of bankruptcy.
Planning to blow out my own candle was my final solution, the one piece of my life that I could take back control of. The Salvation Army not only saved me, they gave me back my voice and my identity.
From the moment I was rescued by the police, my gender was a mitigating factor in my recovery. More obstacles appeared at every turn simply because I did not fit the image of a “victim.” My image of myself was that the Elephant Man had come to town.
Despite being the sole homeowner, not being married and thankfully, no children to witness the abuse, Michelle was “bailed” to reside at my home. Meanwhile, I was transported from A&E with horrific injuries – the most severe being potential amputation – to what I thought was a safe house, only to wake up the next morning in a night shelter for homeless people.
I had ten minutes to devise a plan whilst been pursued by my ex-partner; Michelle and her family members whose sole intention was to find me and kill me.
Just three weeks later, still gripped by fear, I prepared to come face to face with her in a Civil Court to get back my own home.
During my time I have seen a hierarchy of victim status created, nurtured and reinforced when providing victim support is not a competition.
Ask yourself how confident you would be if your family member, best friend, or neighbour who does not fit the stereotypical image of a victim would receive the wrap-around care they desperately needed.
“Time” is the most precious thing I own, and I will continue to invest it with the sole aim of making a difference which is life changing to many, possibly life saving for some.
Following criminal proceedings, I became curious about how many other men had similar experiences. I was shocked by how many there were.
I reached out to the media and, to my astonishment, my lived experiences made the front-page headlines (and a double page spread inside) in The Sun. I reached out to Coronation Street and acted as a consultant on their storyline featuring Tyrone (victim) and Kirsty (perpetrator).
I have continued to share my traumatic events via both local and national media, as well as presenting at numerous conferences and events and running trade stands. Sometimes I’m merely listening and observing, to raise awareness and enhance existing levels of understanding within the professional arena, all with the aim of encouraging more victims to come forward.
It was an honour and a privilege to be the Keynote Speaker at the St John Ambulance National Safeguarding Conference “Lived experience, Impact lessons and learning”.
To end abuse, I continually ask myself “What does success look and feel like?”
My pledge for 2026 is to continue to respectfully challenge, reflect, instigate debate and deliver sustainable outcomes because people matter and abuse truly has no prejudice.
To any man reading this: you are not the only man feeling this way, you are not alone. Please reach out and make your tomorrow a better day.