When we launched VOICES at the DAC, Christine (*not her real name) got in touch and told us how a friend helped her find the strength she needed to leave.
Christine described how she has been a manager in the NHS for years and wished that someone had known what to do to help her. She knows her situation might be different if she had been more aware of her rights. Despite the costs of leaving, she is full of hope for the future.
I am a survivor of 32 years of mental and physical abuse.
For years, I had been searching for my childhood best friend Lynn, who I grew up with and finally found her online. When we spoke, she knew something wasn’t right and I opened up to her and she made me promise never to let him touch me again. He never did.
On 1 September 2018 she gave me the strength to leave. It was extremely hard as I moved into a small flat with nothing. I felt like I had to learn how to live again, as when I was with him, I had no control over anything.
I can understand why some women go back especially as my story doesn’t end there.
It took me until October 2023 to get divorced from him. I was told I had to keep him in the life he was accustomed to, as I had been the one who worked, so I had to pay the mortgage and give him an allowance every month. There was no incentive for him to get a divorce and life for him was rosy. I had to keep myself too which was tough but luckily, I managed. His solicitors were just like him – intimidating and bullying. They accused me of all sorts, denied he ever abused me and that it was a lie as I didn’t go to the Police.
Despite the abuse and not working for over 30 years he has come out much better than me financially. I have lost nearly half of my pension which is a sizeable amount after over 30 years working for the NHS and also he got the matrimonial home. My father died and when he saw his house up for sale his solicitor wrote to the Court saying I had not disclosed all my financial information and I was due an inheritance. In other words he tried to get half of that as well which thanks to my solicitor he didn’t.
I know I am still in the early stages of coming to terms with what happened but even in the darkest times I try to find something positive.
The hardest thing is how mentally draining it is to live with abuse. You can’t be a proper Mum when you are going through abuse and that hurts. My children experienced mental trauma and abuse too. I have two, now adult, children and three grandchildren in my life and whilst I have never tried to influence them, they don’t want anything to do with their father/grandfather.
I am extremely lucky in that I am beyond happy now. I have my kids and grandkids, Lynn my saviour, my work (which I’ll probably be doing until I keel over now) and I have a freedom I never thought could be possible.
I have been campaigning for more support for staff in the NHS where they can get all the information and domestic abuse support they need. I try to help others because I passionately care and in addition to work, this has led me to becoming a trustee at my local domestic abuse service.
I would urge victims to never give up hope there is help out there you can have a positive life after abuse, be happy and free.
The story of my journey up to leaving and how Lynn saved my life is in our book Dare to Dream and if it helps one person not to suffer years of abuse as I did then that means everything to us (Ryleigh Lynch – which is an anagram of our names).
Thank you for listening to my story.